*A photo which i took at west coast, still love this.
It so hard to move on, well i am trying and succeeding..
My life, my choice to study, my attitude, and my determination to work was built upon what was used to be the one. It all revolves around her and i am grateful for what she built me into.
I changed and my family changed better.
Her realistic view of the world was right. A relationship can never be built on love. That can never work in this society. There were tiff and breakups now and then which even whip my will into iron. From a lowly paid salary worker of S$1,100 after i came out from the army, it has improved by leaps to which now i felt more comfortable with.
Even thought i respected the choice that she made for a better future ultimately , It left my world crumbling, it was suffocating every night when i found that she had been attached within 2 weeks. There were nights which my lung feel they were bursting, and i was grasping for air.
The days became lonely, the nights were so sad. Sundays were not what used to be.
I felt guilty, i felt ashamed, i felt i was never good enough for anyone.
It was like i wasted her youth and i let her down because i didn't do enough.
*Welcome to the world of reality* - Again, money is the root of all evil. It is never and never was enough.
I felt that i was best alone in this world, taking photos by myself, reading by myself at some starbucks or coffeebean, my frequent hangouts are bookshops and libraries compared to the past. For the past few months i been reading and reading, doing anything to keep myself busy.
I swim alone most often and visit kbox more often then in the past with whoever is avaliable.
Recently i felt better, but my determination to strive has weaken. I could see no light at the other end. My instinct told me that i am never gonna die out of breath running after an invisible target without any prize.
There were times which i almost gave up studying. It was so stressful and tiring doing part time studying and working. There were exams and projects which i gave up basketball for close to a year to keep up with them.
I was a O lvl student who got in ITE due to being sucky at Maths and it took me close to 7 years to challenge for a Diploma. But thinking back, for what now.
Zhaolin asked my this question while we met up last night. -
What if one fine day she comes back asking to be together and says that she regreted ditching me for a more well to do guy, a gentlemently fat guy.
And that money and a well to do future is of no issue now, What would i do?
My First answer was - i would consider depending on whats she says and the situation then.
But my Answer now after thinking the whole night is
- Go Fook off. After kicking me into a well and left me climbing up from there. And so 绝情 that that she wont even reply to any of my sms maybe for fear that her new bf might feel offended.
What is the 8 year of relationship to her , i didn't even realise that i was so Fcuked up that we couldn't even be normal friends.
Being realistic to her also and also applying to her, it would be calculated as the following. -
But for old times sake, i would stop swearing revenge on her. There is still a part of me inside holding on to the encouragement which she had given me and that is my gratitude to her.
Thanks Jas.
Even if you are forgotten many many years down the road, There is still the post here which will reminds me of you and the tough and dangerous road ahead.
Thanks for the love before and showing me what are dreams and reality. *This is for you, if you ever read this.
Moving on~~
No comments:
Post a Comment