Chapter 34 - Messed up

I am all messed up.

I need something to calm me down.
My work is in a mess.
My sch project is in a mess
My life is in a mess.
My mum just throw me a bomb which left me totally speechless.
I don't even get the chance to love the girl i want.

Just when i went back playing bball, i feel being hated that i ever returned.

Vday was a mess.
I have no chance to self inflict pain.
Movie was a mess.
Rejected.
What else could go wrong with 1 hour and 33mins to go before vday ends.

Right now i restorted poping Lexotan to calm myself in case i breakdown again.

Does this happens to anyone or is it just me.

Chapter 33 - 每個人心中都有一封寄不出的情書, 不管是寄到天涯, 還是...

如果海　會說話　如果風愛上砂
如果　有些想念遺忘在某個長假

我會聆聽浪花　讓風吹過頭髮
任記憶裡的愛情在時間潮汐裡喧嘩

非得等春天遠了夏天才近了
我是在回首時終於懂得

當陽光　再次　回到那　飄著雨的國境之南
我會試著把　那一年的故事
再接下去說完

當陽光　再次　離開那　太晴朗的國境之南
妳會不會把　妳曾帶走的愛　在告別前用微笑全歸還

海很藍　星光燦爛　我仍空著我的臂彎
天很寬　在我獨自唱歌的夜晚
請原諒我的愛　訴說的太緩慢

Chapter 32 - The day my heart died - Moving on.

*A photo which i took at west coast, still love this.

It so hard to move on, well i am trying and succeeding..
My life, my choice to study, my attitude, and my determination to work was built upon what was used to be the one. It all revolves around her and i am grateful for what she built me into.
I changed and my family changed better.

Her realistic view of the world was right. A relationship can never be built on love. That can never work in this society. There were tiff and breakups now and then which even whip my will into iron. From a lowly paid salary worker of S$1,100 after i came out from the army, it has improved by leaps to which now i felt more comfortable with.

Even thought i respected the choice that she made for a better future ultimately , It left my world crumbling, it was suffocating every night when i found that she had been attached within 2 weeks. There were nights which my lung feel they were bursting, and i was grasping for air.

The days became lonely, the nights were so sad. Sundays were not what used to be.
I felt guilty, i felt ashamed, i felt i was never good enough for anyone.
It was like i wasted her youth and i let her down because i didn't do enough.
*Welcome to the world of reality* - Again, money is the root of all evil. It is never and never was enough.

I felt that i was best alone in this world, taking photos by myself, reading by myself at some starbucks or coffeebean, my frequent hangouts are bookshops and libraries compared to the past. For the past few months i been reading and reading, doing anything to keep myself busy.
I swim alone most often and visit kbox more often then in the past with whoever is avaliable.

Recently i felt better, but my determination to strive has weaken. I could see no light at the other end. My instinct told me that i am never gonna die out of breath running after an invisible target without any prize.

There were times which i almost gave up studying. It was so stressful and tiring doing part time studying and working. There were exams and projects which i gave up basketball for close to a year to keep up with them.
I was a O lvl student who got in ITE due to being sucky at Maths and it took me close to 7 years to challenge for a Diploma. But thinking back, for what now.

Zhaolin asked my this question while we met up last night. -
What if one fine day she comes back asking to be together and says that she regreted ditching me for a more well to do guy, a gentlemently fat guy.
And that money and a well to do future is of no issue now, What would i do?

My First answer was - i would consider depending on whats she says and the situation then.

But my Answer now after thinking the whole night is

















- Go Fook off. After kicking me into a well and left me climbing up from there. And so 绝情 that that she wont even reply to any of my sms maybe for fear that her new bf might feel offended.
What is the 8 year of relationship to her , i didn't even realise that i was so Fcuked up that we couldn't even be normal friends.


Being realistic to her also and also applying to her, it would be calculated as the following. -


But for old times sake, i would stop swearing revenge on her. There is still a part of me inside holding on to the encouragement which she had given me and that is my gratitude to her.
Thanks Jas.

Even if you are forgotten many many years down the road, There is still the post here which will reminds me of you and the tough and dangerous road ahead.
Thanks for the love before and showing me what are dreams and reality. *This is for you, if you ever read this.

Moving on~~

Chapter 31 - 我的天啊

*Edits. - Thanks GuoHao. GoodJob!

Sian. when i joined the bikequest. everyone say bo jio them. when i ask everyone to help replace due to urgent matters, all say bo eng and some even replied with totally impossible reasons. -_- . totally totally impossible.

WHY LIKE THAT! Its gonna be a torturing weekend with tightly pack schedule. which includes work and weekend classes. HORRIBLE. Totally must complete the bike quest ASAP. so that i can wake up to meet my customer!