Chapter 37 - End of the Year!

It's Dec ! like any kids or teens, i totally love Dec and looking forward to Christmas!

Needless to say, the cool weather, the emo rainy days totally make me feel refreshing!
Life's tough, with stress coming from work,and a not so good studying year, i look forward to a better 2010.

Gambatte!

I had lots of Photos taken with Pinky and Friends. Will update them randomly.

Also i had set up another blog just to keep track and share what i am reading and my recommendation for cool fictional thrillers!

All are welcome to visit it! Its a personal recommendation, nothing commercial.
Will update it whenever time allows. And friend do give your recommendations on any cool books to read so i wont ever run out of books to read!
http://novelsthatilove.blogspot.com/



Its gonna be a cooling sleepy night.
HoHoHo

Chapter 36 - a Horrible start of my weekend.

Being old is not a great thing for me at all.
At the age of 30, i am experiencing pain while going up and down the stairs. Pain coming from both of my knees.

Even sitting is being a problem. the pain excruciating from my back can make me go nuts at times.

And worst , i couldn't curb my temper. something which i used to do with eased.

Had a bad game of basketball yesterday, heck., it must have been the worst.
I got elbowed in the mouth twice and somehow instead of getting bruises, i bitten my tongue in the process.

Results? - a swollen tongue with 2 super mini holes, ulcer look alike. Looking closer, it seems that a super mini piece of flesh is dangling in my tongue. the results of biting on it with my teeths.
I can't drink anything warm, can't eat anything solid or hot.

To make the game worst, there were 2 youths who are totally 看不开， playing aggressive with them makes them call for pussy fouls and complaints. And to be frank, i am not even serious in playing with them as they were just kids. But one guy just had to say something to make me tick.

There i was enduring the pain, hoping to finish the game soon, and the kiddo just had to grumble about the mini foul that was inflicted on him. Hell, it wasn't even me, but he had to say it in my face.

“打球不要打脸” - he said.

I was tempted to reply, - "so? "你那么丑， 就算被打到也没分别。 没人会理"

But i kept my cool about further insults not wanting to make him lose face in front of his friends and i return it with a less insulting reply that i could think of at that pissed off moment

Youths nowadays is just like tofu, the break into pieces when you inflict more force. They cant take pain without grumbling and expect people to help or pity them. Cant they start to take pain like a Man?

Man, this is just so bad. a weekend of pain, frustration, unable to eat. who's suffering more.

Chapter 35 - a fresh life, my Love

After coming back from malaysia , i started my life afresh.
Thanks to Dear who managed to make me quit my caffeine addiction and now its the next most challanging Nicotine addiction.

Seriously i feel so good without drink 6 cups of kopi O kosong a day, in just 3 days i quitted what i had been drinking for years.

But right now i am getting mentally tortured, from quitting smoking. as of the time now , i had not smoke for 22 hours. The damage - sleepy, drowsiness , yawning,with occasionally tears of tiredness, unable to concentrated. I am totally suffering the withdrawal symptoms now.

Here is what i found from the net,

Causes, Incidence and Risk Factors...

Almost all people who try to quit have some form of nicotine withdrawal. Generally, the longer one has been a smoker and the more nicotine and higher number of cigarettes consumed, the more likely it is that withdrawal symptoms will occur and the more severe they are likely to be. Furthermore, people who are regular smokers tend to have particularly strong cravings and worsening of withdrawal symptoms at certain times, places, or situations associated with smoking. Tobacco contains nicotine, an addictive drug, and smokers become addicted. If you quit abruptly, you will go through the physical and psychological effects of drug-withdrawal, These may include intense food cravings, jittery nerves, anxiety, short temper, depression, and sleeplessness. The addiction-withdrawal symptoms will be worst the first week and less severe during the second. After a month, most of the withdrawal symptoms will be gone, If you quit gradually, the withdrawal may be less intense but more prolonged, This is why many experts recommend quitting abruptly!

Symptoms:

The common symptoms include an intense craving for nicotine, tension, irritability, headaches, difficulty in concentrating, drowsiness and trouble in sleeping, increased appetite and weight gain. A milder form of nicotine withdrawal involving some or all of these symptoms can occur when a smoker switches from regular to low-nicotine cigarettes or significantly cuts down.

In short, what it say is - either this week or next week, i will start to get more aggressive or more depress.

HoHOHO, which means its either a gd time to join Muaythai if i turn aggresive or Lock myself up in the room over the weekend and have Pinky open it for me only on monday if i turn Depress.

ITS NOW OR NEVER. signing off~like a drug addict..

Chapter 34 - Messed up

I am all messed up.

I need something to calm me down.
My work is in a mess.
My sch project is in a mess
My life is in a mess.
My mum just throw me a bomb which left me totally speechless.
I don't even get the chance to love the girl i want.

Just when i went back playing bball, i feel being hated that i ever returned.

Vday was a mess.
I have no chance to self inflict pain.
Movie was a mess.
Rejected.
What else could go wrong with 1 hour and 33mins to go before vday ends.

Right now i restorted poping Lexotan to calm myself in case i breakdown again.

Does this happens to anyone or is it just me.

Chapter 33 - 每個人心中都有一封寄不出的情書, 不管是寄到天涯, 還是...

如果海　會說話　如果風愛上砂
如果　有些想念遺忘在某個長假

我會聆聽浪花　讓風吹過頭髮
任記憶裡的愛情在時間潮汐裡喧嘩

非得等春天遠了夏天才近了
我是在回首時終於懂得

當陽光　再次　回到那　飄著雨的國境之南
我會試著把　那一年的故事
再接下去說完

當陽光　再次　離開那　太晴朗的國境之南
妳會不會把　妳曾帶走的愛　在告別前用微笑全歸還

海很藍　星光燦爛　我仍空著我的臂彎
天很寬　在我獨自唱歌的夜晚
請原諒我的愛　訴說的太緩慢

Chapter 32 - The day my heart died - Moving on.

*A photo which i took at west coast, still love this.

It so hard to move on, well i am trying and succeeding..
My life, my choice to study, my attitude, and my determination to work was built upon what was used to be the one. It all revolves around her and i am grateful for what she built me into.
I changed and my family changed better.

Her realistic view of the world was right. A relationship can never be built on love. That can never work in this society. There were tiff and breakups now and then which even whip my will into iron. From a lowly paid salary worker of S$1,100 after i came out from the army, it has improved by leaps to which now i felt more comfortable with.

Even thought i respected the choice that she made for a better future ultimately , It left my world crumbling, it was suffocating every night when i found that she had been attached within 2 weeks. There were nights which my lung feel they were bursting, and i was grasping for air.

The days became lonely, the nights were so sad. Sundays were not what used to be.
I felt guilty, i felt ashamed, i felt i was never good enough for anyone.
It was like i wasted her youth and i let her down because i didn't do enough.
*Welcome to the world of reality* - Again, money is the root of all evil. It is never and never was enough.

I felt that i was best alone in this world, taking photos by myself, reading by myself at some starbucks or coffeebean, my frequent hangouts are bookshops and libraries compared to the past. For the past few months i been reading and reading, doing anything to keep myself busy.
I swim alone most often and visit kbox more often then in the past with whoever is avaliable.

Recently i felt better, but my determination to strive has weaken. I could see no light at the other end. My instinct told me that i am never gonna die out of breath running after an invisible target without any prize.

There were times which i almost gave up studying. It was so stressful and tiring doing part time studying and working. There were exams and projects which i gave up basketball for close to a year to keep up with them.
I was a O lvl student who got in ITE due to being sucky at Maths and it took me close to 7 years to challenge for a Diploma. But thinking back, for what now.

Zhaolin asked my this question while we met up last night. -
What if one fine day she comes back asking to be together and says that she regreted ditching me for a more well to do guy, a gentlemently fat guy.
And that money and a well to do future is of no issue now, What would i do?

My First answer was - i would consider depending on whats she says and the situation then.

But my Answer now after thinking the whole night is

















- Go Fook off. After kicking me into a well and left me climbing up from there. And so 绝情 that that she wont even reply to any of my sms maybe for fear that her new bf might feel offended.
What is the 8 year of relationship to her , i didn't even realise that i was so Fcuked up that we couldn't even be normal friends.


Being realistic to her also and also applying to her, it would be calculated as the following. -


But for old times sake, i would stop swearing revenge on her. There is still a part of me inside holding on to the encouragement which she had given me and that is my gratitude to her.
Thanks Jas.

Even if you are forgotten many many years down the road, There is still the post here which will reminds me of you and the tough and dangerous road ahead.
Thanks for the love before and showing me what are dreams and reality. *This is for you, if you ever read this.

Moving on~~

Chapter 31 - 我的天啊

*Edits. - Thanks GuoHao. GoodJob!

Sian. when i joined the bikequest. everyone say bo jio them. when i ask everyone to help replace due to urgent matters, all say bo eng and some even replied with totally impossible reasons. -_- . totally totally impossible.

WHY LIKE THAT! Its gonna be a torturing weekend with tightly pack schedule. which includes work and weekend classes. HORRIBLE. Totally must complete the bike quest ASAP. so that i can wake up to meet my customer!